Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Time for adventure!

Today is going to be some serious business, with a sort of guest blogger, McKenzie Barham! Before you read any further read these posts from her blog, if you haven't already:
Read this.
Then this.
And lastly this.

Did you read 'em? Good. So now for part four.

The Troll and the Rock
Well, Sir Gluten, Sir Constanius Copernicus, Mary Anne, and Matilda Joy were quite peeved that the ceiling had fallen in on them. In fact, you could say they were in a tizzy. Sir Constanius Copernicus, practically exploded out of his share of the rubble. 


Upon proclaiming such obscenities, Sir Copernicus fell over. The other three were quite sure he was dead. Sir Gluten risked poking him with a pipe cleaner, which seemed to bring Sir Copernicus back from the land of the dead. Once he had recovered, the four decided they had had quite enough, and plodded along merrily, to the tune of Die Viridi, a favorite band of minstrels. Suddenly, the quartet found themselves back inside the classroom of the troll! The troll laughed merrily (in a most trollish manner, as can be expected). "You foolish mortals thought you could simply escape my omnipotent clutches! Now I will unleash my true-" "Wait," interrupted Matilda Joy, "You're omnipotent?" "Why of course I am, you slobber brained pork snail otter loaf!" Retorted the troll. "If you're so powerful," challenged  Sir Gluten, "Why don't you make.........


"Pfft," pffted the ghastly fiend, "Too easy." And with his horrendous pencil, he quite easily created a working clock, complete with tangents. "Quite practical if you ask me." said Sir Copernicus. The other three stared at him with a mixture of disapproval and sheer lack of understanding. "Why not try and give me something challenging?" boasted the horrendous scary thing. "Alright!" Accepted Mary Anne, "Why not give us an inverse trigonemetric ratio for the absolute dispersion of a chemosynthetic varible solubilty compund using logarithmic proportions?"

Everyone looked at her like this : ಠ__ಠ

She just stood there, hands on her hips, staring at the giant monster. 

The troll stared at her for a few seconds, turned around, wrote on a large boulder he had handy, and promptly squashed her with it.

Needless to say, the three remaining adventurers were stunned. "Quick!" shouted Gluten, "I need to save her!" As he rushed toward the boulder, calculator in hand, Matilda Joy stopped him with a firm hand. "Wait!' She exclaimed, "She gave you up for lent!"

Everyone looked at her like this: ಠ__ಠ

Gluten tossed his calculator to Matilda Joy, and explained exactly what she must do to save her friend. "First, you must undo the concave variable logarithm that holds the key to abolishing the inverse combubulatory shredded wheat. Then, derive the variable dissolution for the squared introverted root of ten. After that you must capture the flag of Cawdor in the realm of Glamis. Only then will you be able to rescue your companion." About this time, Sir Copernicus pointed out that Matilda Joy had actually been whispering to a small picture of an African child that she kept on chain tied to her lungs, and had not heard a single word Gluten had said. "Yes I did!" Objected Matilda Joy. She then proceeded to recite all of the instructions back to Gluten. "Alright then!" Yelled Sir Gluten, "Save your friend!" Matilda Joy ran up to the boulder, calculator in hand, and stared blankly at it for approximately 13 minutes before going and sitting down next to Sir Copernicus. 

Everyone looked at her like this: ಠ__ಠ

(During all of this, the great beast was busy carefully planting spiders in other classrooms. But that's a different story.) Sir Copernicus promptly got up and sort of yawned in the direction of the boulder. It proceeded to crumble into ash and trail mix, and everyone leaned together to see the current state of affairs. 

There stood Mary Anne, who was actually utterly unharmed. Walking out of the crater left by the enormous  rock, she casually explained what had happened. "Well you see," She began, "When the rock squashed me, I was quite frightened. However, I soon discovered that there was a functioning shower inside of the rock. So I took a shower, and had myself a good cry. Then I got out of the shower, and found some paper. So I drew my feelings. They look kind of like this." Here she held up a picture of a boy in a top hat with a machete and a scarf. All rejoiced that she was unharmed, though Matilda Joy was horrified by the number of calories in one handful of post-boulder trail mix. They skipped happily down a flight of narrow, and quite literally rickety stairs, where they had a delightful lunch. Or rather, Sir Gluten, Sir Constanius Copernicus, and Mary Anne had a delightful lunch. Matilda Joy had a horrendous mixture of obliterated vegetable nasty, ground up sorrow, and lotion. Then she pretty much ate most of Mary Anne's meal.

But the troll was still lurking....

~To Be Continued~


  1. oh. my. gosh. I just cried a little, that was so funny. :)

    "She gave you up for Lent" bahahaha, i had a feeling you were going to do something with that. X)

  2. O my goodness. That is the best laugh I've had all week. I laughed till I cried.

    I want to see a boulder dissolve into ash and trail mix. That would be awesome.

  3. This is why I REEEEEAAAALLLLYYYYY miss teaching y'all....