Tuesday, December 27, 2011


Hehe... hehehe.....



Anyway, I am writing this blog to the whole one person out there who reads my blog. God bless you every one.

Anyway, I'm writing about Christmas. Keep Christ in Christmas. That's like saying keep anus in Uranus. It's not going to be a different planet because it's called Urmother or Urlipstick. And furthermore, look at these JEWS. They're not freaking out with some "keep God in hanukkah" bullcrap. They're keeping it real. +1 for the Jews. And another +1 for sounding like a refreshing breakfast beverage.

I love Jews.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Holy carp! A fish

I hate grapes. I love the flavor of them. In fact, they're probably my favorite fruit. But those little turds are the sneakiest little devils. Yeah, they're great while they're on the stem thingy, but you pull those wicked little connivers off of the cluster for one second, and they turn brown and shrivel up. Then, they're these half juicy little scumbags, and you inevitably drop one or a whole crapton of them on the floor.

And then you step on one.

I went to this Halloween thing when I was little where they peeled grapes and you thought they were eyeballs. That's kinda what stepping on one of those little gremlins is like. It squishes like some sort of demon possessed optical organ. And then there's pulped grape all over the floor, and you're like. "This is grosser than Sarah Jessica Parker." so you go to get a towel to clean it up, but you don't have any, so you have to find like some sock you really dislike (or some underwear if you're really unlucky) and mop up the pulped grape, along with the vomit you violently expelled after thinking you had dragon stomped a human eye.

I hate grapes.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

And, look, he obsesses over his blog too!

So the other day, my dear sister Hannah and I were having a lovely argument over whether or not I am a hipster. She insisted I was this strange breed of hipster known as the hipster 2.0. These are cyber-nerd, obscure loving, vintage fans. Think Ryan from The Office. Of course I denied it. "I'm no foolish child hipster boy man freak god puberty thing!" I thought to myself. But then I thought about that. Doesn't denying your hipsterdom make you a hipster by default. So everyone, I'm coming out of my wardrobe. (Closets are so current).

You're dealing with a hipster.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Number one

So here's my first thought for you: what if we're skipping dimensions? I was thinking about this the other day. (I'm sure everyone who knows me is rolling their eyes.) We always represent our physical reality in three dimensions: length, width, depth. Add to that metaphysical concepts like time and velocity. But I propose we forgot one: existence. Now, you may be thinking "This man is a loon! A heretic! We should put him to death!" Hold your anus for a moment. Let me explain. See, all physical dimensions can be represented mathematically. (Technically so can metaphysical ones, but it's srs business trying to do that. )
Length is a line. Simple as that. Now, I'm not talking a grocery store checkout line, or a green citrus fruit. (Wait..) No siree, I'm talking a real life mathematical line! One that only exists in one dimension! If you have no idea what the crap I'm talking about, click here: http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Line_(geometry)

So that's dimension one. The following dimension is what happens when you square the previous dimension (multiply it by itself.) Dimension two is a square, so named because its a line that is squared. Square a square and you get a cube: the third dimension. But wait. I think there's one more remember points from geometry? (If not: http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Point_(geometry) )

Now, I propose that points are the physical representation of the first dimension: existence. This article defines points as zero dimensional, but I disagree. In order for there to be a point, it must exist. And in order to exist, there must be a point. So the zero dimension is technically non-existence. That's my thought at least. Feel free to share your thoughts, opinions, or extensive mental collection of expletives. I'll still be here.

Here goes nothing....

So yep. I'm a hipster. Wheeee. I decided to be a mainstream nonconformist and create my own blog. I'm Nathan Beam, by the way, just in case you didn't know. I guess I should start off by saying thank you. I'm not sure what for, but thanks anyway. I hope you enjoy this blog as much as I enjoy food. I also hope that I don't die. Maybe I'll find the fountain of youth.