Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Time for adventure!

Today is going to be some serious business, with a sort of guest blogger, McKenzie Barham! Before you read any further read these posts from her blog, if you haven't already:
Read this.
Then this.
And lastly this.

Did you read 'em? Good. So now for part four.

The Troll and the Rock
Well, Sir Gluten, Sir Constanius Copernicus, Mary Anne, and Matilda Joy were quite peeved that the ceiling had fallen in on them. In fact, you could say they were in a tizzy. Sir Constanius Copernicus, practically exploded out of his share of the rubble. 


Upon proclaiming such obscenities, Sir Copernicus fell over. The other three were quite sure he was dead. Sir Gluten risked poking him with a pipe cleaner, which seemed to bring Sir Copernicus back from the land of the dead. Once he had recovered, the four decided they had had quite enough, and plodded along merrily, to the tune of Die Viridi, a favorite band of minstrels. Suddenly, the quartet found themselves back inside the classroom of the troll! The troll laughed merrily (in a most trollish manner, as can be expected). "You foolish mortals thought you could simply escape my omnipotent clutches! Now I will unleash my true-" "Wait," interrupted Matilda Joy, "You're omnipotent?" "Why of course I am, you slobber brained pork snail otter loaf!" Retorted the troll. "If you're so powerful," challenged  Sir Gluten, "Why don't you make.........


"Pfft," pffted the ghastly fiend, "Too easy." And with his horrendous pencil, he quite easily created a working clock, complete with tangents. "Quite practical if you ask me." said Sir Copernicus. The other three stared at him with a mixture of disapproval and sheer lack of understanding. "Why not try and give me something challenging?" boasted the horrendous scary thing. "Alright!" Accepted Mary Anne, "Why not give us an inverse trigonemetric ratio for the absolute dispersion of a chemosynthetic varible solubilty compund using logarithmic proportions?"

Everyone looked at her like this : ಠ__ಠ

She just stood there, hands on her hips, staring at the giant monster. 

The troll stared at her for a few seconds, turned around, wrote on a large boulder he had handy, and promptly squashed her with it.

Needless to say, the three remaining adventurers were stunned. "Quick!" shouted Gluten, "I need to save her!" As he rushed toward the boulder, calculator in hand, Matilda Joy stopped him with a firm hand. "Wait!' She exclaimed, "She gave you up for lent!"

Everyone looked at her like this: ಠ__ಠ

Gluten tossed his calculator to Matilda Joy, and explained exactly what she must do to save her friend. "First, you must undo the concave variable logarithm that holds the key to abolishing the inverse combubulatory shredded wheat. Then, derive the variable dissolution for the squared introverted root of ten. After that you must capture the flag of Cawdor in the realm of Glamis. Only then will you be able to rescue your companion." About this time, Sir Copernicus pointed out that Matilda Joy had actually been whispering to a small picture of an African child that she kept on chain tied to her lungs, and had not heard a single word Gluten had said. "Yes I did!" Objected Matilda Joy. She then proceeded to recite all of the instructions back to Gluten. "Alright then!" Yelled Sir Gluten, "Save your friend!" Matilda Joy ran up to the boulder, calculator in hand, and stared blankly at it for approximately 13 minutes before going and sitting down next to Sir Copernicus. 

Everyone looked at her like this: ಠ__ಠ

(During all of this, the great beast was busy carefully planting spiders in other classrooms. But that's a different story.) Sir Copernicus promptly got up and sort of yawned in the direction of the boulder. It proceeded to crumble into ash and trail mix, and everyone leaned together to see the current state of affairs. 

There stood Mary Anne, who was actually utterly unharmed. Walking out of the crater left by the enormous  rock, she casually explained what had happened. "Well you see," She began, "When the rock squashed me, I was quite frightened. However, I soon discovered that there was a functioning shower inside of the rock. So I took a shower, and had myself a good cry. Then I got out of the shower, and found some paper. So I drew my feelings. They look kind of like this." Here she held up a picture of a boy in a top hat with a machete and a scarf. All rejoiced that she was unharmed, though Matilda Joy was horrified by the number of calories in one handful of post-boulder trail mix. They skipped happily down a flight of narrow, and quite literally rickety stairs, where they had a delightful lunch. Or rather, Sir Gluten, Sir Constanius Copernicus, and Mary Anne had a delightful lunch. Matilda Joy had a horrendous mixture of obliterated vegetable nasty, ground up sorrow, and lotion. Then she pretty much ate most of Mary Anne's meal.

But the troll was still lurking....

~To Be Continued~

Sunday, January 1, 2012

New years

Yep, happy new years. Wheeee, 2012. *Insert arbitrary apocalypse joke.*

So anyways, I don't really have much to talk about. I will return to school tomorrow, and my birthday is Friday. what a great birthday that's going to be. So maybe I should go on a rant about SOPA.

All the people that live me are probably rolling their eyes again. But this is srs business. SOPA stands for Stop Online Piracy Act. Glancing at the title, you're probably thinking, "Oh, stop pirates, let's do it! IMMA GRABBIN MAH PITCHFORK." However, it's actually quite scary. The act is actually a move by big business live Time/Warner or any other big money label to stop the common man from using their material. You're probably like, "Ooh, big deal, I can't cover 'Girl's just wanna have fun' for the seventh time. No biggie." Actually, It's much worse than that. The bill provides cause for the government to request  ISPs block the site from their customers in the following situations:
A site is distributing copyrighted material.
A site is displaying copyrighted material.
A site is hosting copyrighted material uploaded by another user.
A site is hosting a link to a site that is hosting copyrighted material.
A site is hosting audio/video that contains copyrighted material in the background.

This is huge. Millions of sites will be censored, most of them ones that you love. Youtube will almost certainly be censored, along with facebook, 4chan, memebase, tumblr, reddit, and any other site containing copyrighted material. Oh, you wanted to draw a picture of spongebob and stick it on your website? Tata.

Luckily, there is a fight.  Tumblr, Firefox, Reddit, and countless other websites/organizations are rallying together to fight SOPA. You can learn more at

Tuesday, December 27, 2011


Hehe... hehehe.....



Anyway, I am writing this blog to the whole one person out there who reads my blog. God bless you every one.

Anyway, I'm writing about Christmas. Keep Christ in Christmas. That's like saying keep anus in Uranus. It's not going to be a different planet because it's called Urmother or Urlipstick. And furthermore, look at these JEWS. They're not freaking out with some "keep God in hanukkah" bullcrap. They're keeping it real. +1 for the Jews. And another +1 for sounding like a refreshing breakfast beverage.

I love Jews.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Holy carp! A fish

I hate grapes. I love the flavor of them. In fact, they're probably my favorite fruit. But those little turds are the sneakiest little devils. Yeah, they're great while they're on the stem thingy, but you pull those wicked little connivers off of the cluster for one second, and they turn brown and shrivel up. Then, they're these half juicy little scumbags, and you inevitably drop one or a whole crapton of them on the floor.

And then you step on one.

I went to this Halloween thing when I was little where they peeled grapes and you thought they were eyeballs. That's kinda what stepping on one of those little gremlins is like. It squishes like some sort of demon possessed optical organ. And then there's pulped grape all over the floor, and you're like. "This is grosser than Sarah Jessica Parker." so you go to get a towel to clean it up, but you don't have any, so you have to find like some sock you really dislike (or some underwear if you're really unlucky) and mop up the pulped grape, along with the vomit you violently expelled after thinking you had dragon stomped a human eye.

I hate grapes.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

And, look, he obsesses over his blog too!

So the other day, my dear sister Hannah and I were having a lovely argument over whether or not I am a hipster. She insisted I was this strange breed of hipster known as the hipster 2.0. These are cyber-nerd, obscure loving, vintage fans. Think Ryan from The Office. Of course I denied it. "I'm no foolish child hipster boy man freak god puberty thing!" I thought to myself. But then I thought about that. Doesn't denying your hipsterdom make you a hipster by default. So everyone, I'm coming out of my wardrobe. (Closets are so current).

You're dealing with a hipster.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Number one

So here's my first thought for you: what if we're skipping dimensions? I was thinking about this the other day. (I'm sure everyone who knows me is rolling their eyes.) We always represent our physical reality in three dimensions: length, width, depth. Add to that metaphysical concepts like time and velocity. But I propose we forgot one: existence. Now, you may be thinking "This man is a loon! A heretic! We should put him to death!" Hold your anus for a moment. Let me explain. See, all physical dimensions can be represented mathematically. (Technically so can metaphysical ones, but it's srs business trying to do that. )
Length is a line. Simple as that. Now, I'm not talking a grocery store checkout line, or a green citrus fruit. (Wait..) No siree, I'm talking a real life mathematical line! One that only exists in one dimension! If you have no idea what the crap I'm talking about, click here:

So that's dimension one. The following dimension is what happens when you square the previous dimension (multiply it by itself.) Dimension two is a square, so named because its a line that is squared. Square a square and you get a cube: the third dimension. But wait. I think there's one more remember points from geometry? (If not: )

Now, I propose that points are the physical representation of the first dimension: existence. This article defines points as zero dimensional, but I disagree. In order for there to be a point, it must exist. And in order to exist, there must be a point. So the zero dimension is technically non-existence. That's my thought at least. Feel free to share your thoughts, opinions, or extensive mental collection of expletives. I'll still be here.